LEARNING TO LOVE: RECLAIMING YOUR ESSENCE

Becoming willing to change, reaching out for help, joining a 12 step program and amalgamating the 12 steps, receiving Counseling, Reading- A. Miller, J. Bradshaw, M.S. Peck and M. Fox …analyzing the common threads and searching for a better path, spending much time in introspection, seeking validations for the wrongs done by others, analyzing and working to change learned dysfunction, learning to forgive and making amends to the people you have harmed… and love yourself first and learning how to love & trust yourself…allowing yourself time to honestly and safely express your anger, rage and grief over unmet needs and emotional, physical and sexually wounds etc….
Gradually opening up that capacity to trust and love others and gradually reopening the heart and mind to accept the fundamental goodness in yourself and in others…like attracts like…so in time you attract more meaningful love relations and less dysfunctional ones…you build a new path through the forest…and knowing that seeking love is a lifelong journey where you learn to give love first to yourself and then to others, until it is woven into the complex tapestry of who you are.

You never completely get rid of the learned dysfunctions and even though it becomes hardwired you can still learn to see it in yourself, own it and work through it and eventually move around it when a learned reaction is staring you in the face…in time you may get to recognize the triggers before you react and take the time to acknowledge them, and take a walk or a time out to regain your perspective…you learn to create and chose different pathways in your thinking and in your own behaviour…This in turn affects the way others see you and treat you…

Develop a step by step process wherein you learn to …

Acknowledge and accept that all people are fundamentally good and deserve to be treated with loving kindness, that basic needs should be met, dignity afforded…No one is born "bad".
Acknowledge and accept, no matter how frustrating and painful it is, that you cannot change anyone but yourself…
Know that a life of survival in dysfunction is unpredictable and untrustworthy, so the brain logically creates barriers against trusting…because it “knows” it is not safe to trust.
Know that without trust you cannot love.
Acknowledge and accept that dysfunction is learned, and that repeated mistreatment/neglect creates real neuro/chemical pathways in the brain that facilitate survival. We learn how to survive in painful places by creating pathways in the brain that allow us to respond in ways that keep us alive…lying, stealing, cheating, fighting, anything that keeps us alive … however rebuilding new, more meaningful pathways takes time and effort.
You have to learn to trust and love yourself, before you can affect any sort of change, and this also takes time and effort, sometimes-enormous effort.

When that day comes, when you finally decide to change your life… Some things to do:

When you decide that you are committed to making change in your own life, it really helps if you can get support. Find a group or a counselor that will listen to you, witness your process and treat you in a manner that you will eventually recognize as “you being loved by them”. Once you recognize this love, it will open the door to you loving yourself. You cannot love yourself until you have been loved first and you except that love as been genuinely given.
Having others encourage you in this process really helps. You need others to witness you, and validate. This is not easy and over time you may work through your process of change with a variety of different friends and professionals.
Take time to acknowledge and face the things about yourself that you do not like…find the things you want to change…
Admit to yourself, preferably with a witness, because there is a greater sense of accountability, the wrongs you have done, and seek ways to make amends in the best way you can, being mindful of not reinjuring someone or yourself in the process.
Seek out people from whom you can learn and ask many questions of them. Read and think about what went wrong and what should have been different…think about what you want to change about how you proceed with your life, from the inside out…
Everyone has there own path, but keep your mind open…always keep your mind open to new ideas…friends, neighbours, authors, psychologists, spiritual leaders…be open but use your judgment…real truth is not found in the teaching of any one person but in the threads that hold the different teaching together. Be wary of anything that judges others harshly or condemns others for being different…this is not the path of love and kindness…
Take time to grieve and express anger safely, again, preferably with a witness. Your suffering needs to be acknowledged and witnessed. Allow tears and sobbing, sighs and yawning and sleep…Wash away/release the pain…
As you work through to a place of forgiveness and acceptance for your self…as you gain a depth of understanding for what went wrong and why…you will gain perspective on how to build a healthier way of communicating with yourself and others…as you learn to trust yourself, you will learn to trust others…not blindly, but judiciously…you will learn to place your trust in yourself first and to trust your intuition…and this will guide you…
The process will guide you to a better place. It will help you to build the things you did not have growing up…and you, in turn will model a pathway that is more gentle and kinder, not perfect, but much better….

You will most certainly find….

This is a life project, deciding to be the best you can be, no matter what anyone did to you…
It is the path of great courage and determination, because you are always keeping the mind open, you are always alert to the changes you need to make in your own thinking…
Your thinking is the key…getting in touch with the reality of the pathway you have been on, always being aware of how it has tripped you up, how it can trip you up… watch for the “stinking thinking” as we call it in the 12 step programs… and building and maintaining new, better pathways…pathways forged by your own connection to your own intuition…It is about what is right for you on a very deep level….
At that deep level you will find that what is right for you is also right for others…kindness, compassion, honesty, trust, love…no matter what place you come from, no matter what God you follow…ultimately everyone needs the same thing…but you have to find it in yourself first…
You have to believe in yourself first…and if no one has ever given you their faith, no one has given you kindness and compassion and honesty and trust and love…then it can be a long, lonely journey…the road that many prefer not to travel on… and a reminder that someone must believe in you first which means you must let them (someone trustworthy) know your deepest self to which they can reflect back the goodness they see in you and validate the suffering and pain you have endured.
Less traveled, but not untravelled…and more and more people all the time are recognizing that we really need to connect deeply with this path of intuition which runs within us, because in this lies the truth about our interconnectedness as humans and with all living things…

LEARNING TO LOVE: RECLAIMING YOUR ESSENCE

Recommended Reading

M. Scott Peck

Robert Bly

Neale Donald Walsch

Noam Chomsky

Naomi Klien