Step by step process wherein you learn to:
1. Acknowledge and accept that all people are
fundamentally good and deserve to be treated with loving kindness, that more than basic needs should be met and dignity afforded…
2. That everyone is born "good".
3. Acknowledge and accept, no matter how frustrating and painful it is, that you cannot change anyone but yourself…
4. Know that a life of survival in dysfunction is unpredictable and untrustworthy, so the brain logically creates barriers against trusting…because it “knows” it is not safe to trust.
5. Know that without trust you cannot love.
6. Acknowledge and accept that dysfunction is
learned, and that repeated mistreatment/neglect creates real neuro/chemical pathways in the brain that facilitate survival. We learn how to survive in painful places by creating pathways in the brain that allow us to respond in ways that keep us alive…lying, stealing, cheating, fighting, anything that keeps us alive, pathways = habits. …and rebuilding new, more meaningful pathways takes willingness, time, effort and most of all help.
7. You have to learn to trust and love yourself, before you can affect any sort of change, and this also takes time and effort, sometimes-enormous effort.
When you decide that you are committed to making
change in your own life, it really helps if you can get support. As the old saying goes, the key is willingness. If you have the key of willingness, the door opens almost of itself.
1. Find a group or a counselor that will listen to you, witness your process, help you grieve and treat you in a manner that you will eventually recognize as “you being loved by them”. Once you recognize this love, it will open the door to you loving yourself. You cannot love yourself until you have been loved first and you trust that love as been genuinely given.
2. Having others encourage you in this process really helps.
3. You need others to witness you, and validate. This is not easy and over time you may work through your process of change with a variety of different friends and professionals. No one can take you farther down the road than they have gone. You can and will out grow friends and even professionals.
4. Take time to acknowledge and face the things about yourself that you do not like…find the things you want to change… Do a inventory of yourself.
5. Admit and accept, preferably with a witness which helps with accountability, the wrongs you have done and weaknesses you have. Seek ways to make amends and to build relationships. Redeem yourself. In Latin, forgiveness means to go back as before. Before any hurt was received or given out.
6. Seek out people from whom you can learn. Read and think about what went wrong and what should have been different…think about what you want to change about how you proceed with your life, from the inside out…
7. Look for what you can be grateful for. Develop an attitude of gratitude.
Author: Jim Mandelin
Follow your own path
1. Everyone has there own path, but keep your mind open…always keep your mind open to new ideas…friends, neighbors, authors, psychologists, spiritual leaders…be open but use your judgment…real truth is not found in the teaching of any one person or from any one ideology but in the threads of universality.Be wary of anything that judges others harshly or condemns others for being different…this is not the path of love, kindness and empathy…
2. Take time to grieve and express anger safely, again, preferably with a witness.Your suffering needs to be acknowledged and witnessed. Allow tears and sobbing, sighs and yawning and sleep… Let go of/release the pain…
3. As you work through to a place of forgiveness and
acceptance for your self…as you gain a depth of understanding for what went wrong and why…you will gain perspective on how to build a healthier way of communicating with yourself and others…as you learn to trust yourself, you will learn to trust others…not blindly, but judiciously…you will learn to place your
trust in yourself first and to trust your intuition…and this will guide you…
4. Trust your process, it will guide you to a better place. It will help you to build the things you did not have growing up…and you, in turn will experience a pathway that is gentler and kinder, not perfect, but much better….
5. This is a life project, deciding to be the best you can be, no matter what anyone did to you… Find your bliss and follow it.
6. It is the path of great courage and determination, because you are always keeping your mind open, you are always alert to the changes you need to make in your own thinking…
7. Your thinking is the key…getting in touch with the reality of the pathway you have been on, always being aware of how what you learned from abuse has tripped you up, how it can trip you up again… watch for the “stinking thinking” as we call it in the 12 step programs… Building and maintaining new, better pathways…pathways forged by your own connection to your own intuition…It is about what works for you on a very deep level….
8. And at that deep level you will find that what works for you is also works for others…kindness, compassion, honesty, trust, love…no matter what place you come from, no matter what God you follow…ultimately everyone needs the same thing…but you have to find it in yourself first…
9. You have to believe in yourself first…and if no one has ever given you their faith, no one has given you kindness and compassion and honesty and trust and love…then it can be a long, lonely journey…the road that many prefer not to travel on… and a reminder that someone must believe in you first which means you must let them (someone trustworthy) know your deepest self to which they can reflect back the goodness and strength they see in you and validate the suffering and pain you have endured.
10. Less traveled, but not untraveled…and more and more people all the time are recognizing that we really need to connect deeply with this path of intuition which runs within us, because in this lies the truth about our interconnections as humans and with all living things…We truly are all one.
Author: Jim Mandelin
This website is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical, psychiatric, or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please seek the advice of a qualified health provider for any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition.